i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
