But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
