Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
