If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
