Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
