direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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