Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
