Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
