my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I have fence marks all over my body
I believe in your delicious
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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