If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
