dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
