go do what you do best...puke behind churches
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
