life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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