I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
