I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
