look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
