see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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