PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
