Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
