Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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