That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
