So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
