3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
