im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
