The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
