my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
