I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
