my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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