Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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