And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
