She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
