I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
