someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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