He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
