My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
