I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
