I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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