i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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