I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
