apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
