You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
