I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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