i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
