You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
