Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
