I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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