Im at strip club and am horny
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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