I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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