I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
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On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
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1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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