I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
