There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
