why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
