my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
